BLOG: Because flying pens always help the nerves

So, everyone who knows me knows that I loathe public speaking. I don't just get nervous; I feel ill when I have to speak in front of crowds. Which is why I don't do speaking gigs. Well, sort of.

I agreed to do a phone interview about Mixed and Happy. I was invited to call in to Mixed Chicks Chat, an award-winning podcast out of L.A. that discusses the mixed-race experience.

I was excited, but nervous. It was a phone interview, but the audience was live.

I'd be calling in from a land-line right after work on Wednesday. I rushed home, feeling a bit ill, envisioning that I might fall all over my words and forget what to say.

Hubby was home when I walked in the door. "I'm ready for my interview!" I announced.

I changed out of my business suit and got ready. In tank top and yoga pants, I sat at my desk until the moment was perfect. I picked up the phone and dialed. My heart was pounding. "I'm so awful at this," I said to myself. "I am just not a speaker."

So, I'm with Heidi and Fanshen, the ladies of Mixed Chicks Chat. I think I said the very first line "Thanks for having me on," when hubby walks in the room. I saw him from the corner of my eye, but paid no attention.

The house was completely quiet and the kids were still at school. I had set the perfect atmosphere for my big, scary interview. So, I'm listening to a question when I notice hubby walk in the bathroom, leave the door open and go ... pee!

And you know how loud man-pee is, right? I did the envisioning thing again. In my mind, the listeners are hearing my interview, but in the background, they are hearing man pee. You know, sort of waterfall-ish.

Why is he doing that? Why is he peeing during my interview? I needed to stop him now. Close the door. Walk away. Get out. So, there's this cup filled with pens sitting on my desk.

I take one out and throw it in his direction. I'm hoping he'll get the point. In hindsight, I should have stuck a sticky note to the pen that read "Out."

I could just barely see him from where I was sitting. I watched the pen hit the floor. He turned around as if thinking "Well, that's odd. There are pens falling from the sky."

He doesn't make eye contact, so I throw the next pen. And the last one, I'm almost embarrassed to say, smacked him right in the head. He was, by this time, finished man-peeing.

He finally caught my stare. He flung his hands up in the air and mouthed "What?" I guess he thought I really needed his assistance, because he sat down right in front of me. I motioned with my hands: "Out. Leave. Buh-bye."

But, he's not budging.

So, all of this is going on behind the scenes as I talk about the Mixed and Happy project. Flying pens. Man-pee. You see why I don't do interviews?

The interview had ended and I hung up the phone. "Why did you have to come in here and pee while I was doing the interview!?" I just needed him to know how un-profesh it is to pee in the background while your wife is doing a phone interview.

Instead, he said: "I just came in to support you."

But wait a minute, it was a live podcast and what if I didn't hang up the phone all the way and what if. Oh, God, help me! What if the listeners heard me.

Can you imagine? "Well, they're certainly mixed and happy, aren't they?"

When I finally got up the nerves to listen to the podcast (because you know in my mind, I'm still envisioning flying pens and pee-pee), I sat on the edge of my seat, listening for any hint. But, no flying pens. No pee. No accusations of untimely peeing. Heh.

Just me talking about Mixed and Happy. To hear the interview, go here. Click on episode 130. And this one is a direct link, I think.

You know, even with all of that, I thought it was cute that he ventured in to support me.